BMW X6 M 2015 vs.Mercedes-AMG GLE63 S Coupe 2016

Gather 'round but, folks, and let Uncle Car and Driver tells a little story. Some people might call it a fairy tale or fairy tale, but no fairy in this story or brownies or sprite, not even a wisecracking forest gnome. Where are we? Right, way back in the mists of time known as the 1920s, before the interstate highways and chairs which give a massage, there is the land known as the Irish Hills.

Now, that's the name of the fancier call wrong, because the hill is not in Ireland and, truth be told, the hill is really not much in the way of the hill, either. No, the hills were in Michigan, where any old lump called a hill. Along US Route 12, once a trail that connects Detroit and Chicago, there lived a farmer named Edward Kelly whose land includes parts, but not all, of Brighton Hill. In about 1924, Michigan Observation Company (MOC) has decided to build an observation tower on the hill, because, well, because Netflix has not been found. Crime MOC decided to cash in on the tourists at this roadside attraction. Both Mr. Kelly was not pleased, but the MOC built his tower 50 feet anyway, just feet from his property line.

So Kelly built the damn tower itself, of similar design, right next to it. But Kelly is 60 feet high. This came to be known as Spite Tower. [Are we going to mention the vehicle at any point in this comparison test? -ed.]

Well, that would not do at all, according to the MOC. It's not about losing the contest for Kelly measuring and adding 14 feet to the top of the tower. Perhaps you see this coming, but Kelly then added four feet to the top of his tower, putting even with the MOC.

We do not claim that BMW X6 M and Mercedes-AMG Coupe GLE63 S in any way like the two towers. For one, the second vehicle, in our tests, watertight and structurally sound. To see the tower as an allegory for two thingamabobs SUV coupe-ish hot-rodded this would imply that the German automaker is in the contest constant measurement and sometimes futile, caring only about one-upping each other. And it can not be true because, um, two vehicles are well made in the USA.

Mercedes started this whole “four-door coupe” silliness with its CLS sedan, and was followed quickly by BMW and its two four-door coupes. BMW was the first to take the basic concept to new heights of absurdity with its X6. And it was Mercedes that fired back with the large bar of soap known as the GLE Coupe. And look at where this has gotten us: Testing 5200-plus-pound perform­ance vehicles that ride on massive, sticky summer tires and provide precious little of the utility of an SUV with precious little of the fun of a proper performance car. It’s a cautionary tale.

Fresh this year is GLE Coupe, a SUV GLE made less cumbersome. Predictably, the 5.5-liter twin-turbo V-8 makes 10 more horsepower than the engine X6 M, because, nyah, nyah, nyah, we are bigger. Seen from directly behind, it seems sad robot with chrome unibrow.

But here they are anyway. A snub-nosed second-generation BMW X6 M, which pumps out 567 horsepower from the twin-turbocharged 4.4-liter V-8, did an amazing achievement on a test track and visible from the rear three-quarters look like a rat without a tail.

So what, pray-tell, a victory in this segment of the $ 100K-plus high-performance, low-utility floats parade? Good question. Let's find out together.

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